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Archive for April, 2009

crossreflectionEaster is one of the most significant events in the Christian calendar, and it is a spiritual and reflective time for many people throughout the world.

This rings particularly true for me. Easter is a profoundly significant time both personally and spiritually to me.

My Mother was killed on Easter Saturday, 12 years ago. She just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was visiting a good friend of hers to give easter eggs to her children. This friend had ended a relationship with a man some two weeks prior, and it just happened to be the day that this man turned up at her house with a gun.

My entire world collapsed that day. I will never forget when the police arrived to tell us what had happened to our mother. My brother and I were still teenagers at the time. Words simply cannot describe how horrendously painful that time of our lives was.

One of the saddest times for me was about a week or so after the funeral, when all the flowers died. All week, the house had been filled with the perfume of beautiful bright bouquets and cards of well wishes and it was comforting.

But then all the flowers wilted and died.

And I threw them out, and the house was empty and bare.

And the phone stopped ringing.

And the world moved on.

But my world was left in pieces.

When a significant tragedy occurs in your life, you really stop and question many things. I had always been spiritually inclined, even as a child I would ponder things like why I was here? What was the point of life? What happens when you die? What is beyond this life? But when something like this happens, you ponder these things profoundly.

Why did this happen? Why Mum? Why me? Where did she go? Does she even exist anymore? What’s the point of even living? Do you just die and then it’s all over, that’s it? Why even bother? Why, why, why?

I had no answers to these questions, and in the months (even years) following her death I spiraled into a dark depression. I developed post traumatic stress disorder, and at night I would be gripped with irrational fear that someone was going to come into my bedroom and shoot me. Sometimes this was accompanied by auditory hallucinations of footsteps coming up the hallway, it was terrifying. In the few hours when I would finally fall to sleep, I was plagued with horrific nightmares.

The worst part was waking up in the mornings. When you wake up there is a few seconds of peace as you transition from the dream world to the physical world… but then it hits you – you remember she is dead, and it’s like experiencing the loss all over again, every single time you wake up.

I turned to drugs and alcohol to try to escape the pain and sadness inside me. I didn’t want to live anymore, and wished that I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I thought about suicide a lot, and the only reason I didn’t do it was my belief in reincarnation; I figured I must be here for a reason, and if I was to kill myself before I actualized that reason, then I would be brought back again to re-live these experiences (or their equivalent) until I ‘got it’. Well I couldn’t bare the thought of having to endure this pain from the beginning all over again, so that wasn’t an option for me.

This was the beginning of a turning point in my life. I had became so disillusioned with this physical world that it forced me to take a serious look at what was beyond it – to yearn for understanding, to be able to make sense of this nonsensical existence. It was the beginning of my true spiritual yearning.

They say everything happens for a reason, and I am a firm believer in that. But I don’t just want to believe, I want to, need to, fully understand and comprehend – I need to know the reason. I need to know why.

Things eventually got better, slowly. I got better. I got stronger. I moved on, just like the rest of the world had.

And then some years later, I found Gnosis. This changed everything. Finally, I was given the tools to be able to get the answers I had been yearning for. I learned about astral travel and started to have out-of-body experiences, directly verifying that I am more than just this physical body. It’s one thing to believe something, but it is a whole other thing to experience it and know for certain, it completely changes your perspective.

I started to learn about death, and have directly verified part of what happens when we die by investigating my mother’s death in the astral realm (you can read about that experience here). After that experience I understood the attachment I had to my mother’s personality, which is only a temporary thing, and I was able to let go of that attachment to her completely and truly move on. (Attachment in itself is still something I have yet to conquer, but I gave me an understanding that will help me to get there).

I know the Divine exists – I have had direct experiences with my Divine Parents and have received spiritual teachings in the astral – direct personal spiritual teachings, not something preached to me in a church that I must ‘believe’ in.

I have been given the tools to eliminate negativity within myself – those dark days of depression and sadness that crippled me need never do so again. I am no longer a victim of life’s circumstances; now I now know how to use life’s events to my advantage to change what is within myself. I am a long way from eliminating these aspects of my psyche completely, but now I know how to fight them, and it is SO liberating to not be a helpless victim to them.

I have learned a lot about myself, what is within me, about my psyche; my consciousness and my subconscious. I realize that for most of my waking life I am asleep (psychologically speaking), and I have learned what I need to do to ‘wake up’.

And I know why I am here. I know my purpose. Life is completely transformed when you know the point of it all.

All this, and I have barely begun to scratch the surface. There is SO much more to life than just this physical world which we temporarily find ourselves in. Just think; in 200 years from now, everything you hold close to you will be gone. Every person that is in your life now, your family, your friends, the people you love, your children and grandchildren, even your enemies, will have died. Everything you own and value will be gone, and everything you think is important in your life right now will be irrelevant. This physical world is transient, it doesn’t last. There is much more to life than just this.

So, it is Easter once again. Time keeps moving on, and each year seems to be passing faster. I have a lot to reflect on, both in terms of where I have come from, and where I am going. While I now know my life’s purpose, I have a lot of work to do get there. And time won’t wait for me. I have come a long way, but I still have a long way to go.

This is what I am reflecting on this Easter.

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